I was listening to the version of this song out of Mulan the other day, and then I listened to the original by Christina Aguielera. Sometimes sitting back and looking over things is the best thing, then again, sometimes it's something that is both painful and peaceful. Looking back at memories, looking at where you were, what you've become now, and the whole process in between, seeing what you learned from it(hopefully something), and how it's made you in the person you are now.
It's been nearly five years since I started on CTF, almost four since I got on xanga, and about two since I started my facebook. Not to mention in that time I graduated high school and spent a year and a half at PCC. I've lived in two different states in addition to living away at college. So in that time I think about how many friends I have, both ones that I've met and gotten to know dearly in real life, and then there are my friends that I don't know beyond my computer screen, those who I only know in as much as they've allowed me to glimpse into their lives. Some of those I met on CTF, the original people that I knew, have changed so much that I don't really know them anymore. Then there are others that we've talked for years, and we're still fairly close, regardless of losing touch while I was at college, and then trying to reestablish it. I know in that time I've changed a lot. I realize also that they've changed a lot. I realize that the other may not be aware of situations that we've had in our lives that have brought us to this place. I've also learned more about simply letting some of those friendships go, friendships that never were close, or those friendships that were once close, but because of time and distance have fallen away. Then there are the relationships that one or both of us have walked away from. Maybe not intentionally, and maybe not all at once. But one thing, and then another, until we really don't know each other anymore, and one or both of us simply don't want to put the effort in to mend or repair that friendship or even to get to know each other again, because we've changed so much.
So I think, what happened, what changed? Was it you, or I, or both of us that affected our friendship so drastically. Was it the fact that you don't feel you can be my friend anymore, simply because I don't agree with you anymore? Because you think I'm making a foolish mistake and that given time, I'll come to realize what a mistake it was, and want to change my mind and then realize I can't change it? Was it the fact that I went away to a college that you held no respect for and I wouldn't listen to your advice to not go. That I not only went, but I realized more about me there than I had before. And although I don't agree with that school on many things, that I wouldn't trade that time, and the friendships from there for anything. Is it the fact that being in separate states, having different experiences has caused us to grow apart from each other? Maybe it's just us growing up, and realizing that what bound us together as kids was common then, is completely irrelevant as adults.
I sit here thinking about the friends I have from high school, I talk to almost none of them anymore, I really have very little in common with most of them, and the few that I do have common intrests with I simply don't take the time that I should. The ones that I do keep in touch with are few and far between and while I wish I stayed in touch with more of them, I don't. A lot of them I didn't really talk to in high school, so not really sure why I would after graduation.
Then there's my friends from Florida. Though I wish I could have finished my degree and spent more time with them, I'm grateful for the time I did have with them, and at least, in regards to most of them, consider them very good friends.
I've moved to Pennsylvania since then, and my friends here are unique. There isn't really one classification I can put them in. I have friends from two different churches, friends from the town I lived in. They don't fit any one age group or personality type, and I can't say I would want them to.
Then there's my Internet friends, CTF, xanga, and Facebook. I'll be the first to state that it's been an interesting jouney over the last few years for my CTF peoples. Most of the original people are gone, and while some of them I would love to be able to even contact once and end on a better note, I realize that that isn't going to possible. Then others we simply drifted apart, time, distance, life seemed to get in the way. Others, like I said above, we walked away from each other. You and I didn't see eye-to-eye, or you thought I was being manipulated too easily. I'm sorry you feel like this, but you've chosen to live your life, and I have to live mine. Then there's others that I used to be really close to, and while we talk and joke like we used to, we both know it's not the same, that it can't be.
A lot of my xanga friends are on Facebook right now, so I've gotten to know you more so over there. I can think of several specific ones that I've had some interesting midnight conversations with, some that I probably never would have met without having randomly played a game with them, or looking for people to join teams with, but, many of them I can't imagine now not knowing.
So as I sit here, listening to several songs, the one that stays in my head is Reflection, because while that's what I'm doing, it's also so true. You wanted me to learn who I was, and after I had learned it, to show it, and not be afraid to follow it. To not let myself be manipulated. Well, now that I've done it, you don't like it. I'm sorry you feel that way, but honestly this isn't the first time you've done that, and I'm reminded of a saying my grandmother taught me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It's time to follow my heart for what I am supposed to do, not fit in the mold that you want me to. So I guess I should thank you in a way, for forcing me to realize that in some cases I simply have to let this friendship die, because a friendship doesn't go one way only, not that it should. Just know that if you ever would like to talk, I can't guarentee that it will work, because I won't set myself up to be hurt by someone I called a friend a second time.
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